Namaste

I took my butt to my first yoga class in a very long time yesterday.  It was hard, but it felt so good!  I'm looking forward to going to more classes.  I also went to a nearby Planet Fitness yesterday to check it out.  It's a nice gym...not too big, not intimidating, and clean.  I think I'm going to buy a membership...only $99 for the year.  I can't pass that up!  I love eating way too much, so working out is the best way to help myself out.

It's hard to believe that Christmas is on Sunday.  This year went by so fast...it's actually kind of scary.  I pray every day that 2012 will bring us our take home baby.

I'm out of control!

Ok seriously...I MUST stopping eating like total shit!  This is ridiculous.  When I got pregnant with my DS, I had been working out (had a free gym membership through work) and was eating somewhat healthy.  Now, I'm not working (my company relocated out of state), so I don't have a gym membership anymore....and we can't afford one on our own.  I walked every day in the Spring, Summer, Fall, but it's just too damn cold out now to walk.  Plus, I have to wait until DH gets home and by then, it's pitch black and eery out.  So I'm not getting any type of exercise, which is horrible.  I'm also eating worse b/c I'm home and have access to food...and toddler food at that.  Graham crackers, goldfish, etc.  Granted, DS eats better than me at most meals (protein, fruit and veggie as often as possible), but I don't eat the healthy stuff he does b/c it doesn't sound good. 

I know my diet is not helping our TTC efforts.  It's time to really focus and stop this!  I'm on the thinner side, so everyone thinks I'm nuts when I bring this up.  I may be thin, but I am NOT healthy.  I need to do at least some exercise every day.  It will need to be in my home, so I'll need to find a good video or something.  Why does it have to be so easy to say all this, yet so hard to follow through?  I always have the best intentions, but never stick with it.  Enough is enough.  I'm on cycle 11...CYCLE FREAKING 11...of TTCAL...time to get serious.  Having another baby means everything to me...time to make some changes!

No early Christmas present for me :(

Today is CD1.  I thought maybe the witch would show up tomorrow, but she showed up today instead.  Cycle 10 was a 27 day cycle.  As much as I don't want to, I think I'm going to temp this cycle.  If I really did O on cd 15, I only had a 12 day LP.  Looking back at my charts, my LP has been 12, 13 and 14 days.  I know it's hard to tell though just by OPKs.  We have 2 more cycles of trying on our own, and then we'll go in for some assistance.

As usual, I'm really sad that this wasn't our cycle.  No belated birthday gift for me.  No early Christmas gift for us.  And no chance of DH sharing his birthday with a sweet little baby.   I can't believe that we're moving onto cycle 11. 

Pee and our 1 year m/c anniversary

I can't wait for the day I'm no longer freaking out every time I wipe after I pee.  Sorry...I know that's a little gross to think about, but seriously...I can't wait!  Every time I pee, I worry there will be blood.  And the last couple of days, there has been.  And it sucks.   I know this will be a worry of mine until I'm done having kids though, so it's something I need to learn to deal with.  Spotting for me doesn't usually mean good things.  It usually means AF is right around the corner.  And last December, it meant that I was losing the baby I was carrying.  Which leads me to my pity party...

I can't believe it's been a year since I miscarried.  I can't believe that I'm still not pregnant.  I'm unbelievably sad.  My heart just aches.  I've never wanted something so bad in my entire life.  I want to be pregnant again more than anything.

MF

MF SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh....it's really getting to me this cycle.  Every little twinge or cramp I feel makes me think I'm KU'd.   I try not to let MF get to me too much, but this cycle has been horrible.  I keep thinking this HAS to be our cycle.  My birthday is tomorrow.  What a great birthday present (even though I won't test until late next week).  Christmas is right around the corner.  What a great early Christmas present!  And to top it all off, my due date would be DH's birthday.  It's like it's meant to be!! 

I hope and pray every day that this is our lucky cycle. 

Our plan

Wow, it's been awhile since I've updated....

I had my HSG done last Monday.  It looked good.  My left tube was a little slow to fill, so there may have possibly been a blockage.  If there was, the pressure of the dye was enough to get through it and the tube eventually filled.

DH had his SA done recently as well.  His results came back "borderline" for morphology and motility.  It wasn't bad enough to concern my dr too much.  He's not convinced that DH is the reason we're not pregnant.


My Cd 3 b/w came back normal.

So, our plan is to TTC on our own this cycle and next.  If we're still not pregnant, we'll go back in for another consultation with the dr.  It feels good to be moving forward.  I pray that we will have our 2nd take home baby very soon.

Sad

I'm feeling pretty down and out today.  AF is going to show up on Saturday or Sunday....what a lovely weekend treat for me.  I was really hoping that I'd miraculously get pregnant and not have to go through all the testing.  Guess that won't be the case.  I really hope this testing provides some answers.  I know that there are others out there who have been TTCAL much longer than me, but this process is really taking a toll on me. 

I've also been sad lately b/c out of the buddy group that I was originally a part of after I had my m/c, I'm the only one not pregnant.  In fact, there are several girls who have had their babies already.  While I'm beyond excited for them, I'm really sad for myself.  When will it be our turn? 

We have a plan!

My appointment last week went great!  My doctor is fantastic and is being very proactive.  We have a plan and that is providing me with the hope I haven't felt in a long time.

So, our plan...

If we don't get pg this cycle, we will begin testing next month.  I will go in for cd 3 blood work followed by an HSG when AF is done.  Sometime during AF, DH will go in for SA testing.  If everything comes back normal, we will continue trying until Jan.  If we're still not pg by Jan, we will go back to my dr and discuss a more aggressive plan.

DH took the news very well.  I wasn't sure how he'd react to the SA test, but he says he'll do whatever he needs to do.  God love him.

My dr says that the pressure from the HSG will kind of "open things up" and hopefully increase our chances of getting pregnant. 

I am just so relieved to have a plan!  I was nervous that he would tell us we need to keep trying, but he proved me wrong.

It feels so good to feel hopeful.

Tomorrow is the big day

I have my appointment with my OB tomorrow.  I have no idea what to expect.  All I know is that I really want to walk out of there with a plan.  I want to feel optimistic and hopeful again.  It's been awhile since I've felt that way.  Part of me is nervous that he won't be much help.  I do plan on going to a specialist if I leave there unsatisfied, but honestly, I really don't want to have to go that route.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see how tomorrow goes.

And more pregnancies....

Seriously...will they ever stop?!!!!  I feel like every day I find out someone else is pregnant....and it's never me!!  I'm in need of a pity party....and a good slap in the face to get out of this funk. 

3 more days until my appointment with my OB.  If I don't get some answers I'm going to lose my mind.

PS - mypeanut - if you're reading this, you don't count!

Having a slightly better day...

Well, my first day at my little job went well.  It was really busy and hectic.  I think a lot of that has to do with how unorganized they are.  I think it's funny that instead of just telling their current receptionists to come in an hour earlier, they're hiring me for 2 hours every day.  I can see how having someone there at 8 instead of 9 will make a big difference.  Hopefully they are happy they hired me.  Friday is my first day of 8 am starts.

DH and I have not been getting along well lately.  Neither of us really wants to be around each other and when we are, we don't have much to say.  When we were on vacation, we were fine.  But we were away from all of the stress and responsibility.  Now that's all right back in our faces again and it's definitely taking a toll on us.  I think we need another trip to the therapist together.  I really should look into making an appointment.

Only one more week until my appt with my OB.  I'm getting really anxious.  I need to start putting together a list of questions and concerns.  I know I keep saying this, but I'm really hoping that it's a worthwhile visit.  I've gotten a few names of different specialists, but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

Short and sweet

I'm in a pissy mood today.  I'm sick of things not going my way. 


That is all.

Onto Cycle #8

I feel like a broken record.  Always saying "onto cycle...."  :(

AF showed up yesterday.  At least I didn't wasted any pg tests this time around...especially considering my cycle was 31 days long.  I did O late though, so I knew AF would show up later.  I'm guessing I O'd on CD 18, which makes my LP normal.  I'm glad to see that.  I don't want my LP to start getting wacky on me.  I'm trying to decide if I want to start temping again.   I think I'm going to hold off this cycle and see what my dr says on the 26th.  I like temping for the fact that it confirms my O date, but I sleep horribly when I temp.  It really throws me off and it's better for me (and my DH and DS) that I sleep.

This morning DS woke up crying for a min at 2:45 am.  He fell right back to sleep, I however, did not.  I was up until 5:15.  I just couldn't turn my mind off.  I kept thinking about how my 33rd birthday is quickly approaching and how badly I want to be pregnant before then.  I know I'm not old, but I feel old in terms of getting pregnant. 

We are always really starting to feel the impact on our financial status thanks to my lack of income.  I love not working a full time job.  I was so unhappy when I worked.  DH doesn't get that though.  He'd rather me work and be miserable just so we had the money to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted.  I'm starting a small job this Wednesday.  I'm going to be working at a spa 2 hours/day to help them open and get ready for the day.  I'll be working Mon, Tues, Wed, Fri and Sat from 8-10 am.  They aren't paying me much, in fact, it won't help us financially at all, but it will get me out of the house.  We'll see how it goes.  I can be a loner at times, so I'm glad that I'll be alone for the first hour or so that I'm there.  It will be quiet...and I can drink my coffee peacefully while working.  Ahhhh.....a cup of coffee in peace.....

Please don't get me wrong...I wouldn't trade being a mommy for anything, but I do miss that quiet cup of coffee.

Well, I guess we'll see how this cycle goes....

Back from vacation

DH and I spent a week together in the Dominican Republic...and it was AWESOME!  We were celebrating our 5th anniversary and it was so great to get away for awhile.  It was so nice to think only of ourselves and have no responsibility for awhile.  We laid by the pool, had some drinks, ate some great food, made some friends and explored a bit of the country.  All in all...a great trip! 

Our hotel pool!

But now it's back to reality.  We got home on Monday and I started spotting on Wednesday.  Awesome.  This last cycle was really wacky and I'm hoping it's b/c I was on antibiotics.  I O'd later than normal (well, I got a +OPK later than normal...I'm still not temping).  We BD'd like crazy, but it still wasn't enough.  Another cycle down the effing toilet.  Pissed doesn't even begin to explain how I feel.

2 more weeks until I go in for a consultation with my dr.  If I leave there feeling he isn't going to help, I'm going to see a specialist that my friend has used.  I'm a little over one month away from my last BFP...we've been trying long enough.

I wish I could go back to laying on the beach feeling totally carefree...reality SUCKS!

Just need to scream for a bit....

Another pregnancy on facebook.....BLAH!!!!  Makes me want to puke.  And of course, their first is like a year younger than Andrew.  Again...when will it be OUR turn?!!!!!!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

CD1 - Cycle #7

AF arrived this morning...a day earlier than I expected.  Well, at least I'm one day closer to trying again.  I found out that another girl I know is pregnant...with #3.  Her last one was born in Nov 2010.  My DS is an entire year older than her 2nd kid...I should be pregnant before her!  I know, I'm so mature.  But that's how I feel.

I went for a long walk on Monday, the day I got my BFN.  I actually cried periodically throughout my walk.  Hopefully no one saw me...they'd think I was truly looney.  Anyway, it occurred to me that the "Friday night BBQ girl" will most likely have her 2nd kid before I even get pregnant with mine.  And that just made me really sad.  I'm usually more optimistic, but I'm just not feeling that way anymore.  It's ridiculous.  I wish I could stop thinking about them. Ick.

One of my very good friends had her 3rd baby yesterday.  This doesn't upset me.  She had a miscarriage.  In fact, she had her first with the help of IVF, but was then blessed with #2 and #3 without any help.  I just wish she could pass on some of her luck to me!  She has a beautiful family.

But I have to remind myself that I have a beautiful family too.  DH and I have been fighting a LOT lately, but we still have a beautiful family.  I just wish something would go our way for once lately.

BFFN

GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!  Stark white as usual.  Even though I have already started spotting, I was still hoping for a BFP.

I called to schedule an appt with my dr and can't get in until the end of Oct.  That feels so far away.  He had one earlier appt, but I'll be out of town.  God this SUCKS!  I hate this.

Frustrated

So I'm 10 dpo and I've already started spotting.  I want to SCREAM!!!!   UUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!   Come on!  I seriously don't know how much more of this I can take.  DH and I are fighting all the time - to the point we just stay away from each other most of the time in order to avoid making things even worse.  It sucks a big one let me tell you.

The only bit of good news I have is that we are going on vacation very soon.  3 weeks to be exact.  I'm hoping it's a great thing for us and will help us lessen the distance that is between us.

My blood work came back fine from my GP, which didn't surprise me.  I'm going to call my OB after we get back from our vacation.  I've had enough of this.

Appt with my GP today

I went to my GP today for an annual physical.  This was the first time I'd see him since my m/c, so I filled in him on everything.  I also mentioned that my periods are starting to get longer.  My periods are now lasting around 8-9 days where they previously lasted about 6 days on average.  Though it's very light by day 8 or 9, it's still annoying.  I had extremely heavy periods when I was a teenager, which prompted me to go on the pill when I was about 16 years old.  I was on the bill until I was about 28 years old.  Anyway, he asked if we had been trying since the m/c and I said yes.  I said I'm borderline ready to call my OB.  Since I was having a blood draw anyway, he decided to test my female hormones and thyroid too.  I have a feeling they'll come back fine, but we'll see.  Anyway, him and I both agree that my OB should be called in a few months if I don't get my BFP before then.  My plan was originally to call after this cycle if I get a BFN, but I think I'll wait an extra month.  We're going on vacation in the beginning of Oct.  I don't want any of this hanging over my head.  I just want to go and have a good time.

I'm glad that my dr took the initiative to have my female hormones tested.  He did mention that my hormones could be changing b/c of my age (almost 33), but I'm by no means all of the sudden infertile.  I'm anxious to get the results.

Mixed bag of feelings

So, how does one just "not stress" and "not think about getting pregnant" when they're trying to get pregnant after a loss?  Ugh!  I'm so freakin' OVER hearing those comments.  I wish it was that easy and I could just turn off the stress.  I have been feeling a little less stressed since I stopped temping.  I'm definitely sleeping better that's for sure.  I'm trying to stay off fertility friend and obsessing over charts.  That seems to be helping too.  And I'm doing very well at staying away from The Bump.  I miss talking to everyone, but it's definitely for the  best.  I feel like TTC isn't the first thing on my mind anymore.

I saw the pg friend last night that I'm super jealous of.  The "Friday night BBQ girl" who had a m/c scare but is completely fine now. She's starting to show and it made me want to throw up.  I could hardly even look at her.  And every time her pregnancy came up in conversation, I walked away or casually changed the subject.  I've never felt like this about someone.  It's very bothersome.  She's been nothing but nice to me.  My DS had surgery on Wednesday and she was the only friend that texted me asking me how he was doing.  I need a good slap across the face.  She doesn't deserve to be treated the way I'm treating her, but I'm just so upset that she's pg and I'm not.  I have several pg friends, but she is the only one that I'm feeling this way about.  And I know it's b/c she had that m/c scare.

We've had a lot thrown at us over the last year and a half.  We've come out stronger than ever, but why do we have to go through all of this?  All of my friends seem to have it easy.  I know everyone has their problems, but dealing with DS's genetic disorder has been exhausting.  Thankfully he's doing so well now, the appointments are starting to wind down.  Wednesday was hopefully his last surgery for awhile.  My friends' kids haven't had to have 3 surgeries within a year.  When they complain about things, I want to tell them just how good they've really got it, but I don't.  I keep my mouth shut.  In the last year and a half, we found out our son has a genetic disorder, I lost my job and then had a miscarriage.  It's been a shitty year, but I always remind myself about how awesome my little boy is.  How it's a blessing that I'm not able to spend some time at home with him (even though we miss the income terribly).  And how my little angel is in good hands and is being taken care each and every day.

I'm so ready for DS to be a big brother.  I just keep telling myself it will happen in time.  Now I just need to make myself believe that.

Self pity party

Yesterday was an awful day for me.  I woke up feeling so optimistic about this cycle, only to start spotting a few hours later.  I was devastated.  I immediately started bawling.  And I continued to cry on and off all day.  I hate this so F'ING much!  I hate this process.  I hate my body.  I feel like it's failing me.  I feel like I'm letting my husband down and he feels like he's letting me down. 

I've decided to stop temping.  It's annoying and isn't helping me at all.  I'll continue with OPKs.  I have been charting long enough to know that I am ovulating every month.  OPKs will be enough along with a lot of BD'ing.  I'm also going to step away from The Bump. I need to focus on the here and now.

My heart is just aching right now.  And to top it off, I have to see my FH cousin (22, unmarried) on Sunday at her baby shower.  And I get to see my favorite "Friday night BBQ " friend next week.  Lovely.  Somebody just put me out of my misery.

I need to get over this and just move on to the next cycle.

12 DPO

Ok, I'm to the point in my cycle where I hate going to the bathroom!  Every time I wipe, I'm afraid the spotting will have begun (I always spot prior to starting my period.)  Today is 12 DPO and I have yet to start spotting.  I'm trying not to be too optimistic.  AF is supposed to show on Thursday, which still leaves plenty of time for the spotting to occur.  I have had some cramping the last 2 days, so I'm nervous that AF will show sooner than she's supposed to. I'm tempted to test tomorrow if I don't spot at all today.  Ugh!  This process is such an emotional pain in the ass! 

********

Update: I spoke too soon.  I started spotting this morning.  I'm so sad.  I can't stop crying.

Ah ha?

I think I've figured out why I'm so bitter towards one pregnant friend of ours  (the Friday night BBQ girl).  She had a miscarriage scare about 2 months ago.  She's fine.  The baby's fine.  Why did my miscarriage scare end so badly and hers ok?  I'd never wish that anyone go through what we went through.  The loss was absolutely devastating and really ruined me emotionally for awhile.  Even though I'm feeling better emotionally, I'm still playing the "it's not fair" game.  I'm mad that we had to lose our baby and they didn't.  That sounds horrible.  I feel bad saying it. Maybe now that I've said it "out loud," I can move on and stop feeling this way.

I survived the day

Yesterday was our EDD.  And I survived it.  I'm actually feeling very at peace with our situation.  I know that he/she is in a good place and is being taken care.  I wasn't nearly as sad or depressed as I thought I'd be.  The only time it really hit me was when I stopped by my mom's office with my DS and had a brief conversation with her boss:

Him: He is your only?
Me: Yep
Him: How old is he?
Me: 20 months
Him: That's nice.  We had our 2nd right at that age and it was craziness.

All I could think was, today could be the day we added the craziness of a 2nd child to our lives.  But, it's not our time yet.  I know our time will come (hopefully sooner than later).

To my sweet little angel - I miss you every day and wish I had the opportunity to meet you.  Even  though you were only with us for such a short period of time, I instantly loved you.  And I will always love you. ♥ Mama

It's August...

The month I have been dreading for quite some time now.  Friday is my EDD.  Only a few more days and I'd be holding my sweet little munchkin in my arms.  Or if he/she had been anything like their brother, they would have arrived a week ago.  I love you munchkin and think of you often.

One of my facebook friends was complaining about having morning sickness at night and it took everything in me not to comment.  All I wanted to say was "thank your lucky stars every day that you have a baby growing within  you.   I would gladly take your place."  Instead, I just ignored her and moved on.  When I get pregnant again, no matter how awful I may feel, I will always remember to be thankful for the gift I've been given.


I'm going back to see my therapist tomorrow.  I'm feeling so much better than I went to see her about a month ago.  Now if I could just get my BFP....all would be right in my world!

Wow...that felt awesome!  I didn't think about TTCAL for 4 days straight!  So nice.  What a great break for my brain and my emotional well being.  I wish I could do that more often.  I had such a nice little vacation with my son and my family.  I wish my hubby had been able to come with us (he had to work).

While I was away on our mini vacation, 3 of my facebook friends had babies....and I didn't completely freak out and get pissed off.  For once, I actually felt happy for them.  But I still want nothing to do with the "Friday BBQ" pregnant friend.  Luckily I don't see her very often. :)

I'm happy to be home, but could have used a couple more days on vacation.  It feels so good to feel happier.

On to cycle 5

Yep, AF showed up early Wednesday evening.  Ugh.  It's weird though, normally I get incredibly angry, bitter and just down right pissed off.  But I don't feel like that this time around.  I'm just looking forward to trying again and praying that cycle 5 will be our cycle.

I went to a playgroup today with my son.  One of the moms that was in our Early Intervention class was also there.  She asked me today if DS was my only child.  I responded with a "yep," and the ache in my heart grew stronger for a moment.  She then proceeded to tell me that she thought I had 2 or 3 kids.  I wanted to say "I wish!  If I had my way, I'd be about to pop with my 2nd."  Instead I simply smiled and said "we want more children very soon."

I've been trying to decide whether or not I should contact my OB.  I know we haven't been trying for very long, but it feels like forever and I'm not getting any younger.  I want to know that I'm doing everything I can to increase our chances.  All I'm doing is taking prenatal vitamins daily and drinking green tea from CD 1 to O.  Should I be taking extra folic acid?  I doubt that the OB would do much for me, I just wonder if it would give me some peace of mind for a little bit.  I'm going to give us 2 more cycles.  If cycle 6 is a bust, I'm going to give them a call.

Bummed...

My temp dipped this morning, which means AF is on her way.  If she's timely as she usually is, she'll be here tomorrow.  Just in time for my vacation up north.  Lovely.

This cycle was our last chance of getting pregnant again before my due date.  Well, that's not going to happen.  And that makes me incredibly sad.  It's been 7 months since the miscarriage, but we've only been actively TTC for 4 months.  I know that 4 months isn't that long, but we want this so badly.  I try not to let it consume me, but it's so difficult when you want something more than anything. 

Another way of looking at things...

Over the weekend, there was some talk of religion on TTCAL.  There was also a lot of talk about Stormy, the online psychic.  I'm guilty of caving and getting a reading from Stormy.  So many girls on TTCAL were posting readings that were positive and optimistic.  I wanted that positivity and optimism for myself, so I gave it a shot.  Naturally, I got a reading back that basically said I'd be lucky if I conceived in Dec 2012 (if I'm not lucky, Dec 2013).  Gee...thanks for the dose of optimism. 

But, I was focusing only on the negative.  How about a look at the positive?  She did say I would have another baby...eventually.  I would have another baby boy.  We would live happily as a family of 4 and that "these two boys are going to keep our lives full of excitement and happiness."  That's pretty awesome!

As for the religion discussion, I believe that God is with my baby keeping him/her safe and sound.  This still doesn't make losing my baby easy, but it gives me comfort.   There was also a discussion about souls choosing parents (a spin off from all of the Stormy readings).  Stormy mentioned that this baby thought we weren't ready yet for another baby.  And maybe she's right.  As I've mentioned before, DS has a genetic disorder that keeps us very busy.  He's a great kid, but he's a little behind the average 19 month old.  We work with speech, physical and occupational therapists.  We also see many specialists.  Over the past 7 months, DS has progressed so well.  We have less appointments and less therapy.  He is also becoming more independent.

This is very hard for me to say, but maybe we weren't ready for another baby (although when would I ever be 100% ready?)  I've never said that "out loud" before.  I would still give anything...anything...to have my baby back.  But I can't.  I feel more ready now than I did back then.  Things still aren't perfect, but we're ready.

Thank you baby for putting the needs of your brother, mommy and daddy first...in front of even your own existence in our world.  Please know that even though you were only around for a few, short weeks, I love you very much and miss you every day.  I hope that I am making you proud by being the best mama to your big brother that I can be.  I love you!   

I can't escape her!

Had a fabulous day at the pool all day today, but I heard more about the damn "Friday night pregnant" girl than I did on Friday night itself.  I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!  Grrrr!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'm proud of how well I blocked it out and how well I changed the subject without being a total bitch.  All in all, I had a wonderful day.  I'm not going to let any knocked up chicks ruin this beautiful day.

I survived

I survived my weekend full of pregnant people.  Glad that's over.  God answered my prayers on Friday...I didn't hear a single mention of my friend's pregnancy.  She is very early on, so she's not open about it with everyone, but several people at the BBQ knew she was pregnant.  I'm very thankful that I didn't have to hear about it and that I didn't have to act excited for her.  Overall, the BBQ was a great success and everyone had a good time.

Saturday's pregnant friend was ok.  She is due in "45 days" which I heard her say about 20 times.  Well here's a newflash...I'd be due in 19 days if I was still lucky enough to have my baby.  God works in mysterious ways and I know He took my baby for a reason and is taking care he/she.

I stupidly took a pregnancy test today.  I don't know why I do that to myself.  FF says I O'd on CD 15, which is probably right.  I usually O around CD 14.  So I'm only 10 DPO (11 DPO max).  And I started spotting, which is my first sign of AF.  Why do I torture myself? 

Today is going to be a day of no TTCAL thoughts.  Just going to have fun with my DS, family and a dear friend at the pool.

I'm so smart

Seriously!  I am so smart.  I hate being around pregnant people, so what do I do?  I invite a pregnant girl to my house for a BBQ tonight that we're having.  AND...of all pregnant people, it's the one that set me off to go see my therapist.  Why do I set myself up for such misery?  See how smart I am?

I'll tell you why.  Because I love my sister and this girl is a good friend of hers.  And this BBQ is for my sister.  Ugh.  I don't want to hear "oh...how are you feeling?"  "You must be so excited for #2!"  Gah!  Yuck.  I should be hearing "Wow....you're getting ready to pop!"  or "Any day now!"  But nope...nada.  Nothing for me.  Guess I'll enjoy some alcohol.

My story

So a little about me and why I'm doing this blog.  Last year was a really tough year for me.  We found out our son had a genetic disorder when he was about 3 months old.  We then moved, which created a lot of additional stress.  I was not only dealing with numerous appointments for my son, but dealing with looking at houses and showing our house at the same time.  I felt as though my DH was forcing me into the move...and I went along with it.  I ended up in a house I'm not in love with and miss my old house very much.  Then I found out I was going to lose my job, which was bittersweet.  I started taking classes to pursue a second career.  And to top it all off, I had a miscarriage. 

Whew.  Just writing all of that takes me back to a very tough year.  And all of that is what led me to seeing a therapist in the beginning of the year.  She is wonderful.  I recently saw her b/c I am so upset about the miscarriage.  I thought I had been moving forward, but the announcement of a friend's pregnancy (there were MANY announcements, but this one in particular really upset me) set me off enough to make an appointment.  She suggested that I write down what I'm feeling.  No matter how mean it may be or how much sense it doesn't make.  I'm using this blog to do that.

I found out I was pregnant on 11/26/10.  We were kind of surprised, but beyond thrilled.  That only lasted about a week though.  On 12/3, I started spotting.  I didn't think much of it, but I called the doc anyway.  I went in and my betas checked.  They came back at 755.  They didn't have me go in for a 2nd check though.  After being on TTCAL as long as I have been, I now know I should have insisted I get a 2nd round of blood taken.  Instead, I had 3 ultrasounds.  The first was perfect...all looked well.  After 1 week of spotting, I started having bright red flow.  A 2nd ultrasound still showed a sac, however it was kind of flattened and they could see my uterus contracting, pushing it down.  A week later (and a disgusting amount of blood loss later), I went in for my 3rd and final ultrasound.  My ute was officially empty.  My DH and I cried and cried, although we weren't surprised after the amount of blood that was coming out of me.  I continued to bleed for a couple more weeks.  It was a long and very emotionally draining process. 

So here I am.  It's almost mid-July and my ute is still empty.  I'm mad at all the people around me who are having babies.  I feel like after the shitty year we had last year, we deserve something good.  It's our turn.  Why is everything good happening to everyone but us?

Life's not fair

I need a place to vent.  A place to release my anger, my sadness, my bitterness...in other words, my grief.  I had a miscarriage in Dec. 2010.  Can't believe it's been almost 7 months.  How can it possibly be that 7 months have gone by?  And I'm still not pregnant again.  I thought it would be easy.  It was pretty easy the first 2 times...so why not this time?  All I want to scream is....

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!

I want my baby.  He/she would be here on or around Aug 5, 2011.  That is less than one month from now.  I should be showing off my big baby belly.  Complaining about the heat.  Eating as much as I want to.  But I'm not.

Yes, I have a son.  I have an awesome son.  And I adore being his mom.  But losing this baby...still really SUCKS!  Having a son at home doesn't make my grief any less.  It doesn't make this process any easier.

Right now, I seem to be in the anger phase of grieving.  I pretty much can't stand any pregnant people.  I hate being around them.  It pains me...more than I ever could have imagined.  My heart literally aches.  It hurts so much to know that I won't be having my 2nd child in less than a month.

And why do all these other people get to have their babies?  Why not me?!!!  Why don't we deserve this?  And why do they?

But when I say that outloud?  I'm the bad person for thinking that way.  Guess what?  I'm not.  I'm not a bad person.  I'm totally normal for thinking this way (or so my therapist tells me anyway).  I'm not going to let other people tell me how I should feel.  What is the right or wrong way to feel?  Especially when these people have NEVER lost a baby.  I don't care that I was only 5 weeks along.  We saw that ultrasound.  We saw a perfect little embryo forming in there.  When I saw that ultrasound...I became mom to that baby.

I'm pissed off.  I'm sad.  I'm bitter.  And until I work this out...don't tell me otherwise.  And I am allowed to think...

LIFE'S NOT FAIR!