Wow...that felt awesome!  I didn't think about TTCAL for 4 days straight!  So nice.  What a great break for my brain and my emotional well being.  I wish I could do that more often.  I had such a nice little vacation with my son and my family.  I wish my hubby had been able to come with us (he had to work).

While I was away on our mini vacation, 3 of my facebook friends had babies....and I didn't completely freak out and get pissed off.  For once, I actually felt happy for them.  But I still want nothing to do with the "Friday BBQ" pregnant friend.  Luckily I don't see her very often. :)

I'm happy to be home, but could have used a couple more days on vacation.  It feels so good to feel happier.

On to cycle 5

Yep, AF showed up early Wednesday evening.  Ugh.  It's weird though, normally I get incredibly angry, bitter and just down right pissed off.  But I don't feel like that this time around.  I'm just looking forward to trying again and praying that cycle 5 will be our cycle.

I went to a playgroup today with my son.  One of the moms that was in our Early Intervention class was also there.  She asked me today if DS was my only child.  I responded with a "yep," and the ache in my heart grew stronger for a moment.  She then proceeded to tell me that she thought I had 2 or 3 kids.  I wanted to say "I wish!  If I had my way, I'd be about to pop with my 2nd."  Instead I simply smiled and said "we want more children very soon."

I've been trying to decide whether or not I should contact my OB.  I know we haven't been trying for very long, but it feels like forever and I'm not getting any younger.  I want to know that I'm doing everything I can to increase our chances.  All I'm doing is taking prenatal vitamins daily and drinking green tea from CD 1 to O.  Should I be taking extra folic acid?  I doubt that the OB would do much for me, I just wonder if it would give me some peace of mind for a little bit.  I'm going to give us 2 more cycles.  If cycle 6 is a bust, I'm going to give them a call.

Bummed...

My temp dipped this morning, which means AF is on her way.  If she's timely as she usually is, she'll be here tomorrow.  Just in time for my vacation up north.  Lovely.

This cycle was our last chance of getting pregnant again before my due date.  Well, that's not going to happen.  And that makes me incredibly sad.  It's been 7 months since the miscarriage, but we've only been actively TTC for 4 months.  I know that 4 months isn't that long, but we want this so badly.  I try not to let it consume me, but it's so difficult when you want something more than anything. 

Another way of looking at things...

Over the weekend, there was some talk of religion on TTCAL.  There was also a lot of talk about Stormy, the online psychic.  I'm guilty of caving and getting a reading from Stormy.  So many girls on TTCAL were posting readings that were positive and optimistic.  I wanted that positivity and optimism for myself, so I gave it a shot.  Naturally, I got a reading back that basically said I'd be lucky if I conceived in Dec 2012 (if I'm not lucky, Dec 2013).  Gee...thanks for the dose of optimism. 

But, I was focusing only on the negative.  How about a look at the positive?  She did say I would have another baby...eventually.  I would have another baby boy.  We would live happily as a family of 4 and that "these two boys are going to keep our lives full of excitement and happiness."  That's pretty awesome!

As for the religion discussion, I believe that God is with my baby keeping him/her safe and sound.  This still doesn't make losing my baby easy, but it gives me comfort.   There was also a discussion about souls choosing parents (a spin off from all of the Stormy readings).  Stormy mentioned that this baby thought we weren't ready yet for another baby.  And maybe she's right.  As I've mentioned before, DS has a genetic disorder that keeps us very busy.  He's a great kid, but he's a little behind the average 19 month old.  We work with speech, physical and occupational therapists.  We also see many specialists.  Over the past 7 months, DS has progressed so well.  We have less appointments and less therapy.  He is also becoming more independent.

This is very hard for me to say, but maybe we weren't ready for another baby (although when would I ever be 100% ready?)  I've never said that "out loud" before.  I would still give anything...anything...to have my baby back.  But I can't.  I feel more ready now than I did back then.  Things still aren't perfect, but we're ready.

Thank you baby for putting the needs of your brother, mommy and daddy first...in front of even your own existence in our world.  Please know that even though you were only around for a few, short weeks, I love you very much and miss you every day.  I hope that I am making you proud by being the best mama to your big brother that I can be.  I love you!   

I can't escape her!

Had a fabulous day at the pool all day today, but I heard more about the damn "Friday night pregnant" girl than I did on Friday night itself.  I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!  Grrrr!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'm proud of how well I blocked it out and how well I changed the subject without being a total bitch.  All in all, I had a wonderful day.  I'm not going to let any knocked up chicks ruin this beautiful day.

I survived

I survived my weekend full of pregnant people.  Glad that's over.  God answered my prayers on Friday...I didn't hear a single mention of my friend's pregnancy.  She is very early on, so she's not open about it with everyone, but several people at the BBQ knew she was pregnant.  I'm very thankful that I didn't have to hear about it and that I didn't have to act excited for her.  Overall, the BBQ was a great success and everyone had a good time.

Saturday's pregnant friend was ok.  She is due in "45 days" which I heard her say about 20 times.  Well here's a newflash...I'd be due in 19 days if I was still lucky enough to have my baby.  God works in mysterious ways and I know He took my baby for a reason and is taking care he/she.

I stupidly took a pregnancy test today.  I don't know why I do that to myself.  FF says I O'd on CD 15, which is probably right.  I usually O around CD 14.  So I'm only 10 DPO (11 DPO max).  And I started spotting, which is my first sign of AF.  Why do I torture myself? 

Today is going to be a day of no TTCAL thoughts.  Just going to have fun with my DS, family and a dear friend at the pool.

I'm so smart

Seriously!  I am so smart.  I hate being around pregnant people, so what do I do?  I invite a pregnant girl to my house for a BBQ tonight that we're having.  AND...of all pregnant people, it's the one that set me off to go see my therapist.  Why do I set myself up for such misery?  See how smart I am?

I'll tell you why.  Because I love my sister and this girl is a good friend of hers.  And this BBQ is for my sister.  Ugh.  I don't want to hear "oh...how are you feeling?"  "You must be so excited for #2!"  Gah!  Yuck.  I should be hearing "Wow....you're getting ready to pop!"  or "Any day now!"  But nope...nada.  Nothing for me.  Guess I'll enjoy some alcohol.

My story

So a little about me and why I'm doing this blog.  Last year was a really tough year for me.  We found out our son had a genetic disorder when he was about 3 months old.  We then moved, which created a lot of additional stress.  I was not only dealing with numerous appointments for my son, but dealing with looking at houses and showing our house at the same time.  I felt as though my DH was forcing me into the move...and I went along with it.  I ended up in a house I'm not in love with and miss my old house very much.  Then I found out I was going to lose my job, which was bittersweet.  I started taking classes to pursue a second career.  And to top it all off, I had a miscarriage. 

Whew.  Just writing all of that takes me back to a very tough year.  And all of that is what led me to seeing a therapist in the beginning of the year.  She is wonderful.  I recently saw her b/c I am so upset about the miscarriage.  I thought I had been moving forward, but the announcement of a friend's pregnancy (there were MANY announcements, but this one in particular really upset me) set me off enough to make an appointment.  She suggested that I write down what I'm feeling.  No matter how mean it may be or how much sense it doesn't make.  I'm using this blog to do that.

I found out I was pregnant on 11/26/10.  We were kind of surprised, but beyond thrilled.  That only lasted about a week though.  On 12/3, I started spotting.  I didn't think much of it, but I called the doc anyway.  I went in and my betas checked.  They came back at 755.  They didn't have me go in for a 2nd check though.  After being on TTCAL as long as I have been, I now know I should have insisted I get a 2nd round of blood taken.  Instead, I had 3 ultrasounds.  The first was perfect...all looked well.  After 1 week of spotting, I started having bright red flow.  A 2nd ultrasound still showed a sac, however it was kind of flattened and they could see my uterus contracting, pushing it down.  A week later (and a disgusting amount of blood loss later), I went in for my 3rd and final ultrasound.  My ute was officially empty.  My DH and I cried and cried, although we weren't surprised after the amount of blood that was coming out of me.  I continued to bleed for a couple more weeks.  It was a long and very emotionally draining process. 

So here I am.  It's almost mid-July and my ute is still empty.  I'm mad at all the people around me who are having babies.  I feel like after the shitty year we had last year, we deserve something good.  It's our turn.  Why is everything good happening to everyone but us?

Life's not fair

I need a place to vent.  A place to release my anger, my sadness, my bitterness...in other words, my grief.  I had a miscarriage in Dec. 2010.  Can't believe it's been almost 7 months.  How can it possibly be that 7 months have gone by?  And I'm still not pregnant again.  I thought it would be easy.  It was pretty easy the first 2 times...so why not this time?  All I want to scream is....

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!

I want my baby.  He/she would be here on or around Aug 5, 2011.  That is less than one month from now.  I should be showing off my big baby belly.  Complaining about the heat.  Eating as much as I want to.  But I'm not.

Yes, I have a son.  I have an awesome son.  And I adore being his mom.  But losing this baby...still really SUCKS!  Having a son at home doesn't make my grief any less.  It doesn't make this process any easier.

Right now, I seem to be in the anger phase of grieving.  I pretty much can't stand any pregnant people.  I hate being around them.  It pains me...more than I ever could have imagined.  My heart literally aches.  It hurts so much to know that I won't be having my 2nd child in less than a month.

And why do all these other people get to have their babies?  Why not me?!!!  Why don't we deserve this?  And why do they?

But when I say that outloud?  I'm the bad person for thinking that way.  Guess what?  I'm not.  I'm not a bad person.  I'm totally normal for thinking this way (or so my therapist tells me anyway).  I'm not going to let other people tell me how I should feel.  What is the right or wrong way to feel?  Especially when these people have NEVER lost a baby.  I don't care that I was only 5 weeks along.  We saw that ultrasound.  We saw a perfect little embryo forming in there.  When I saw that ultrasound...I became mom to that baby.

I'm pissed off.  I'm sad.  I'm bitter.  And until I work this out...don't tell me otherwise.  And I am allowed to think...

LIFE'S NOT FAIR!