Another way of looking at things...

Over the weekend, there was some talk of religion on TTCAL.  There was also a lot of talk about Stormy, the online psychic.  I'm guilty of caving and getting a reading from Stormy.  So many girls on TTCAL were posting readings that were positive and optimistic.  I wanted that positivity and optimism for myself, so I gave it a shot.  Naturally, I got a reading back that basically said I'd be lucky if I conceived in Dec 2012 (if I'm not lucky, Dec 2013).  Gee...thanks for the dose of optimism. 

But, I was focusing only on the negative.  How about a look at the positive?  She did say I would have another baby...eventually.  I would have another baby boy.  We would live happily as a family of 4 and that "these two boys are going to keep our lives full of excitement and happiness."  That's pretty awesome!

As for the religion discussion, I believe that God is with my baby keeping him/her safe and sound.  This still doesn't make losing my baby easy, but it gives me comfort.   There was also a discussion about souls choosing parents (a spin off from all of the Stormy readings).  Stormy mentioned that this baby thought we weren't ready yet for another baby.  And maybe she's right.  As I've mentioned before, DS has a genetic disorder that keeps us very busy.  He's a great kid, but he's a little behind the average 19 month old.  We work with speech, physical and occupational therapists.  We also see many specialists.  Over the past 7 months, DS has progressed so well.  We have less appointments and less therapy.  He is also becoming more independent.

This is very hard for me to say, but maybe we weren't ready for another baby (although when would I ever be 100% ready?)  I've never said that "out loud" before.  I would still give anything...anything...to have my baby back.  But I can't.  I feel more ready now than I did back then.  Things still aren't perfect, but we're ready.

Thank you baby for putting the needs of your brother, mommy and daddy first...in front of even your own existence in our world.  Please know that even though you were only around for a few, short weeks, I love you very much and miss you every day.  I hope that I am making you proud by being the best mama to your big brother that I can be.  I love you!