My story

So a little about me and why I'm doing this blog.  Last year was a really tough year for me.  We found out our son had a genetic disorder when he was about 3 months old.  We then moved, which created a lot of additional stress.  I was not only dealing with numerous appointments for my son, but dealing with looking at houses and showing our house at the same time.  I felt as though my DH was forcing me into the move...and I went along with it.  I ended up in a house I'm not in love with and miss my old house very much.  Then I found out I was going to lose my job, which was bittersweet.  I started taking classes to pursue a second career.  And to top it all off, I had a miscarriage. 

Whew.  Just writing all of that takes me back to a very tough year.  And all of that is what led me to seeing a therapist in the beginning of the year.  She is wonderful.  I recently saw her b/c I am so upset about the miscarriage.  I thought I had been moving forward, but the announcement of a friend's pregnancy (there were MANY announcements, but this one in particular really upset me) set me off enough to make an appointment.  She suggested that I write down what I'm feeling.  No matter how mean it may be or how much sense it doesn't make.  I'm using this blog to do that.

I found out I was pregnant on 11/26/10.  We were kind of surprised, but beyond thrilled.  That only lasted about a week though.  On 12/3, I started spotting.  I didn't think much of it, but I called the doc anyway.  I went in and my betas checked.  They came back at 755.  They didn't have me go in for a 2nd check though.  After being on TTCAL as long as I have been, I now know I should have insisted I get a 2nd round of blood taken.  Instead, I had 3 ultrasounds.  The first was perfect...all looked well.  After 1 week of spotting, I started having bright red flow.  A 2nd ultrasound still showed a sac, however it was kind of flattened and they could see my uterus contracting, pushing it down.  A week later (and a disgusting amount of blood loss later), I went in for my 3rd and final ultrasound.  My ute was officially empty.  My DH and I cried and cried, although we weren't surprised after the amount of blood that was coming out of me.  I continued to bleed for a couple more weeks.  It was a long and very emotionally draining process. 

So here I am.  It's almost mid-July and my ute is still empty.  I'm mad at all the people around me who are having babies.  I feel like after the shitty year we had last year, we deserve something good.  It's our turn.  Why is everything good happening to everyone but us?