Life's not fair

I need a place to vent.  A place to release my anger, my sadness, my bitterness...in other words, my grief.  I had a miscarriage in Dec. 2010.  Can't believe it's been almost 7 months.  How can it possibly be that 7 months have gone by?  And I'm still not pregnant again.  I thought it would be easy.  It was pretty easy the first 2 times...so why not this time?  All I want to scream is....

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!

I want my baby.  He/she would be here on or around Aug 5, 2011.  That is less than one month from now.  I should be showing off my big baby belly.  Complaining about the heat.  Eating as much as I want to.  But I'm not.

Yes, I have a son.  I have an awesome son.  And I adore being his mom.  But losing this baby...still really SUCKS!  Having a son at home doesn't make my grief any less.  It doesn't make this process any easier.

Right now, I seem to be in the anger phase of grieving.  I pretty much can't stand any pregnant people.  I hate being around them.  It pains me...more than I ever could have imagined.  My heart literally aches.  It hurts so much to know that I won't be having my 2nd child in less than a month.

And why do all these other people get to have their babies?  Why not me?!!!  Why don't we deserve this?  And why do they?

But when I say that outloud?  I'm the bad person for thinking that way.  Guess what?  I'm not.  I'm not a bad person.  I'm totally normal for thinking this way (or so my therapist tells me anyway).  I'm not going to let other people tell me how I should feel.  What is the right or wrong way to feel?  Especially when these people have NEVER lost a baby.  I don't care that I was only 5 weeks along.  We saw that ultrasound.  We saw a perfect little embryo forming in there.  When I saw that ultrasound...I became mom to that baby.

I'm pissed off.  I'm sad.  I'm bitter.  And until I work this out...don't tell me otherwise.  And I am allowed to think...

LIFE'S NOT FAIR!