Appt with my GP today

I went to my GP today for an annual physical.  This was the first time I'd see him since my m/c, so I filled in him on everything.  I also mentioned that my periods are starting to get longer.  My periods are now lasting around 8-9 days where they previously lasted about 6 days on average.  Though it's very light by day 8 or 9, it's still annoying.  I had extremely heavy periods when I was a teenager, which prompted me to go on the pill when I was about 16 years old.  I was on the bill until I was about 28 years old.  Anyway, he asked if we had been trying since the m/c and I said yes.  I said I'm borderline ready to call my OB.  Since I was having a blood draw anyway, he decided to test my female hormones and thyroid too.  I have a feeling they'll come back fine, but we'll see.  Anyway, him and I both agree that my OB should be called in a few months if I don't get my BFP before then.  My plan was originally to call after this cycle if I get a BFN, but I think I'll wait an extra month.  We're going on vacation in the beginning of Oct.  I don't want any of this hanging over my head.  I just want to go and have a good time.

I'm glad that my dr took the initiative to have my female hormones tested.  He did mention that my hormones could be changing b/c of my age (almost 33), but I'm by no means all of the sudden infertile.  I'm anxious to get the results.

Mixed bag of feelings

So, how does one just "not stress" and "not think about getting pregnant" when they're trying to get pregnant after a loss?  Ugh!  I'm so freakin' OVER hearing those comments.  I wish it was that easy and I could just turn off the stress.  I have been feeling a little less stressed since I stopped temping.  I'm definitely sleeping better that's for sure.  I'm trying to stay off fertility friend and obsessing over charts.  That seems to be helping too.  And I'm doing very well at staying away from The Bump.  I miss talking to everyone, but it's definitely for the  best.  I feel like TTC isn't the first thing on my mind anymore.

I saw the pg friend last night that I'm super jealous of.  The "Friday night BBQ girl" who had a m/c scare but is completely fine now. She's starting to show and it made me want to throw up.  I could hardly even look at her.  And every time her pregnancy came up in conversation, I walked away or casually changed the subject.  I've never felt like this about someone.  It's very bothersome.  She's been nothing but nice to me.  My DS had surgery on Wednesday and she was the only friend that texted me asking me how he was doing.  I need a good slap across the face.  She doesn't deserve to be treated the way I'm treating her, but I'm just so upset that she's pg and I'm not.  I have several pg friends, but she is the only one that I'm feeling this way about.  And I know it's b/c she had that m/c scare.

We've had a lot thrown at us over the last year and a half.  We've come out stronger than ever, but why do we have to go through all of this?  All of my friends seem to have it easy.  I know everyone has their problems, but dealing with DS's genetic disorder has been exhausting.  Thankfully he's doing so well now, the appointments are starting to wind down.  Wednesday was hopefully his last surgery for awhile.  My friends' kids haven't had to have 3 surgeries within a year.  When they complain about things, I want to tell them just how good they've really got it, but I don't.  I keep my mouth shut.  In the last year and a half, we found out our son has a genetic disorder, I lost my job and then had a miscarriage.  It's been a shitty year, but I always remind myself about how awesome my little boy is.  How it's a blessing that I'm not able to spend some time at home with him (even though we miss the income terribly).  And how my little angel is in good hands and is being taken care each and every day.

I'm so ready for DS to be a big brother.  I just keep telling myself it will happen in time.  Now I just need to make myself believe that.

Self pity party

Yesterday was an awful day for me.  I woke up feeling so optimistic about this cycle, only to start spotting a few hours later.  I was devastated.  I immediately started bawling.  And I continued to cry on and off all day.  I hate this so F'ING much!  I hate this process.  I hate my body.  I feel like it's failing me.  I feel like I'm letting my husband down and he feels like he's letting me down. 

I've decided to stop temping.  It's annoying and isn't helping me at all.  I'll continue with OPKs.  I have been charting long enough to know that I am ovulating every month.  OPKs will be enough along with a lot of BD'ing.  I'm also going to step away from The Bump. I need to focus on the here and now.

My heart is just aching right now.  And to top it off, I have to see my FH cousin (22, unmarried) on Sunday at her baby shower.  And I get to see my favorite "Friday night BBQ " friend next week.  Lovely.  Somebody just put me out of my misery.

I need to get over this and just move on to the next cycle.

12 DPO

Ok, I'm to the point in my cycle where I hate going to the bathroom!  Every time I wipe, I'm afraid the spotting will have begun (I always spot prior to starting my period.)  Today is 12 DPO and I have yet to start spotting.  I'm trying not to be too optimistic.  AF is supposed to show on Thursday, which still leaves plenty of time for the spotting to occur.  I have had some cramping the last 2 days, so I'm nervous that AF will show sooner than she's supposed to. I'm tempted to test tomorrow if I don't spot at all today.  Ugh!  This process is such an emotional pain in the ass! 

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Update: I spoke too soon.  I started spotting this morning.  I'm so sad.  I can't stop crying.

Ah ha?

I think I've figured out why I'm so bitter towards one pregnant friend of ours  (the Friday night BBQ girl).  She had a miscarriage scare about 2 months ago.  She's fine.  The baby's fine.  Why did my miscarriage scare end so badly and hers ok?  I'd never wish that anyone go through what we went through.  The loss was absolutely devastating and really ruined me emotionally for awhile.  Even though I'm feeling better emotionally, I'm still playing the "it's not fair" game.  I'm mad that we had to lose our baby and they didn't.  That sounds horrible.  I feel bad saying it. Maybe now that I've said it "out loud," I can move on and stop feeling this way.

I survived the day

Yesterday was our EDD.  And I survived it.  I'm actually feeling very at peace with our situation.  I know that he/she is in a good place and is being taken care.  I wasn't nearly as sad or depressed as I thought I'd be.  The only time it really hit me was when I stopped by my mom's office with my DS and had a brief conversation with her boss:

Him: He is your only?
Me: Yep
Him: How old is he?
Me: 20 months
Him: That's nice.  We had our 2nd right at that age and it was craziness.

All I could think was, today could be the day we added the craziness of a 2nd child to our lives.  But, it's not our time yet.  I know our time will come (hopefully sooner than later).

To my sweet little angel - I miss you every day and wish I had the opportunity to meet you.  Even  though you were only with us for such a short period of time, I instantly loved you.  And I will always love you. ♥ Mama

It's August...

The month I have been dreading for quite some time now.  Friday is my EDD.  Only a few more days and I'd be holding my sweet little munchkin in my arms.  Or if he/she had been anything like their brother, they would have arrived a week ago.  I love you munchkin and think of you often.

One of my facebook friends was complaining about having morning sickness at night and it took everything in me not to comment.  All I wanted to say was "thank your lucky stars every day that you have a baby growing within  you.   I would gladly take your place."  Instead, I just ignored her and moved on.  When I get pregnant again, no matter how awful I may feel, I will always remember to be thankful for the gift I've been given.


I'm going back to see my therapist tomorrow.  I'm feeling so much better than I went to see her about a month ago.  Now if I could just get my BFP....all would be right in my world!